Tuesday, August 14, 2007

War & Dance

I slept a measly 2 hours last night...exactly 3:30 to exactly 5:30 am, like my internal dozer was on a timer. I've absolutely no idea what kept me up. As you might expect, I had plenty of time to review the possibilities. Coffee? Nope. Stress? Some, yes, but no more than usual. Spiritual attack? Maybe, but I honestly didn't feel all that oppressed. I prayed against spiritual attack anyway (you never know, right?), but felt no different afterward. After getting nowhere with that line of investigation, I just got up, sat in my God chair, and prayed for hours. Great convo. Prayed for my clients, my wife (wherever...and whoever...you are), my friends and family, my heart and life and work and calling, and my relationship with Jesus. But through it all, absolutely no clarity on what was keeping me awake. It was just one of those weird anomalies of human existence. Who knows why I couldn't get to sleep? I just couldn't.

Somewhere around 3 am I decided I would cancel my morning coaching session, which was scheduled for 7:30 am, and was way across town which meant I would have to leave the house at 6:30 am. But then I was up at 5:30 am, and (strangely) felt fine, so I decided to go ahead and go. Half the way there I kept second-guessing the decision, every time I passed an exit ramp. Should I turn around, drive back home and go to bed? At any moment, I thought, I was going to hit the wall, and descend into a pit of grogginess. But I didn't. So I continued on.

It's now 2 pm, and I'm still waiting the tank to run dry. And I'm still plugging along nicely. Is it grace, unseen, that's keeping me going? Probably. But all I can really say with certainty right now is that I slept just 2 hours last night, and today, I'm doing okay. Pretty good, actually.

Sometimes life is war, and the only thing to do is to dig in your heels and stand your ground against the onslaught. But sometimes, like today, it's more like a dance, where you're not quite sure what life is doing with you, and the only thing to do is follow the lead to see where it takes you. Engage with the mystery of it. Be in wonder. And don't stress over whatever it is you don't get. I'll see in time, if I need to.

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